Çand we live in troubled times. The internet has reduced us to thousands of ultra-specific tribes, all in fierce and staunch opposition to one another. At worst, it looks like humanity may never be able to agree on anything again. But this week, a miracle happened. Two photographs were published on the internet; two photographs that instantly united the entire world in a universally accepted opinion. And that opinion is this: The Barbie movie looks very good.
While that was already the consensus, as it will be directed by Greta Gerwig from a script she co-wrote with Noah Baumbach, the photos of the two leads put that beyond any doubt. Margot Robbie, who plays Barbie, is instantly as Barbie as you could imagine, all blonde hair and smiles and bright pink car. Her Barbie looks like a version of Sharon Tate from Robbie, or Robbie’s character from The Wolf of Wall Street. The cast is perfect.
And then there’s Ryan Gosling. Gosling will play Ken in Barbie, and again, it’s a role he was born to play. His hair is bleached bleached blonde, like in The Place Beyond the Pines. His abs and arms are on display, as in Crazy, Stupid, Love. He has an impenetrable facial expression, as in most of the Blade Runner movie. Put on your outfit – which, other than your underwear, is entirely composed of stonewash jeans – and there’s a very strong chance that this will be your defining role.
The casting is so perfect, in fact, that it might require a reassessment when it comes to film adaptations of toy franchises. Until now, the instinct was largely to drown everyone in a sludge of incoherent CGI (Transformers) or just cast the closest A-list regardless of their suitability for the role (The Rock in GI Joe: Retaliation).
So let’s start now. Given the internet-breaking power of Gosling and Robbie Barbie pictures, the smartest thing we could do is attach the following stars to these not-yet-made toy movies ASAP.
For a period of time, Barbie lost pace to Bratz dolls; a range of cheesy and uncomfortably sexualized fashion dolls. There was an attempt in 2007 to make a Bratz movie, but the movie failed for several reasons, not least because the stars weren’t (and still aren’t) famous enough. If Bratz is going to be successful at the box office, it needs protagonists who – like the dolls – have become underserved and neglected since their heyday in the early 2000s. That’s why it needs to star Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton and Tara Reid.
A perennial favorite thanks to his gel-filled limbs, Stretch Armstrong has yet to be translated into film. God knows Hollywood has, however, tried to cast Tim Allen, Taylor Lautner and Danny DeVito in several failed adaptations. The problem, you suspect, is that they still haven’t found the right Stretch. Stretch Armstrong is blond and robust, gentle but athletic. It takes a very special person to play him, which is why I suggest literally any Hollywood actor named Chris.
Strawberry Shortcake was a wildly popular greeting card mascot that became a toy sensation in the 1980s. While she still exists as an ongoing IP — most recently in the Netflix animated film Strawberry Shortcake: Berry in the Big City — she still hasn’t. received the full Barbie treatment. This would be best achieved by putting Emma Stone in a big hat and letting her do what she wants.
Readers of a certain age will remember Sindy as Barbie’s British rival. Less famous and slightly inferior to her American counterpart, Sindy nevertheless drew the ire of Barbie’s creators, Mattel, who promptly filed a copyright infringement lawsuit against her makers for allegedly stealing her best-known creation. As such, it seems only fitting that a Sindy movie would star Robbie after a round of cosmetic surgery and several catastrophic dental procedures.
There is actually a Masters of the Universe movie being made, and it starts shooting next year. The lead has already been cast, and He-Man will be played by West Side Story’s Kyle Allen. But this looks like an error. Judging by all the photos of Allen online, he looks way too young and tame to play the defender of Eternia. Instead, we need someone a little older, with pale blond hair, wavy abs, and a skin tone that isn’t quite radioactive. That’s right, He-Man should be played by Ken from the Barbie movie – Ryan Gosling.